How I Helped a Client Overcome Negative Self-Talk: My Approach
Navigating the complex labyrinth of the mind often requires guidance beyond personal intuition. This article distills the expertise of seasoned professionals who have mastered the art of transforming mental hurdles into stepping stones for growth. Delve into their collective wisdom to reshape negative self-talk and reclaim control over personal narratives.
- Reframe Self-Doubt into Evidence-Based Confidence
- Transform Anxiety from Enemy to Protector
- Challenge Negative Thoughts with Cognitive Restructuring
- Identify and Rewire the Core Limiter
- Shift Caregiver Guilt to Responsible Decision-Making
- Explore Root Causes and Prioritize Self-Care
Reframe Self-Doubt into Evidence-Based Confidence
One particular client comes to mind--a woman who had spent years believing she wasn't "good enough" to pursue her dream of starting a coaching business. She had internalized this limiting belief due to past failures and constant self-doubt, which kept her stuck in inaction.
My Approach:
Identifying the Root Cause:
I guided her through reflective questioning to uncover where this belief originated. Through our sessions, she realized that past criticism from family and a previous business setback had shaped this narrative.
Cognitive Reframing:
I introduced thought-challenging techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help her reframe self-defeating thoughts. Instead of saying, "I'm not good enough," we replaced it with, "I have unique experiences that make me a valuable coach."
Empowering Evidence-Based Thinking:
I asked her to list past successes and strengths, no matter how small, to build confidence in her capabilities. This helped her see that failure didn't define her--it taught her valuable lessons.
Action-Oriented Mindset Shift:
We broke down her big goal into small, achievable steps, such as creating a simple coaching offer and testing it with a small group. This helped her move past analysis paralysis.
Affirmations & Self-Compassion Practices:
To reinforce the shift, we incorporated daily affirmations and mindfulness techniques to replace negative self-talk with empowering statements.
The Outcome:
Over time, she stopped letting fear dictate her actions, launched her first coaching program, and successfully enrolled her first clients. The key was replacing self-doubt with evidence-based confidence and forward action.
Transform Anxiety from Enemy to Protector
A client struggled with intense anxiety that often spiraled into relentless self-criticism. In sessions, they would say things like, "I'm so stupid for feeling this way," or "Why can't I handle stress like everyone else?" These weren't just passing thoughts--they were a constant, punishing inner dialogue that made every challenge feel overwhelming.
Instead of encouraging them to push these thoughts away or replace them with forced positivity, we got curious. What were these thoughts trying to communicate? I introduced the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, which offers a different perspective on self-criticism. Rather than seeing these thoughts as enemies, IFS recognizes them as protectors--parts of us that, though harsh, are actually trying to keep us safe.
I asked them to imagine this anxious, self-critical voice as a distinct part of them, rather than the whole of who they were. "If this part had a job, what would it be?" After a pause, they responded, "I think it's trying to protect me... from failing or looking foolish." That realization changed everything. Instead of battling their anxiety, they began to see it as a well-meaning but overactive protector--one that was working too hard in the wrong way.
With that awareness, they were able to integrate Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques to reframe their thoughts. We practiced self-compassion, shifting "I'll never be able to handle stress" into "This part of me is scared, and that's okay--I can offer it reassurance instead of judgment." Over time, they found that by acknowledging and working with their anxious thoughts, rather than against them, they could respond with greater confidence and calm.
By blending IFS and CBT, we help clients move beyond resistance and into self-compassion, fostering a healthier, more cooperative relationship with their inner world.
Challenge Negative Thoughts with Cognitive Restructuring
I remember a client, a talented entrepreneur, who was consistently sabotaging their own success. They had a deeply ingrained belief that they weren't "good enough," a pattern of negative self-talk that manifested as procrastination and avoidance. They were constantly comparing themselves to others, focusing on perceived shortcomings rather than their strengths. My approach began with active listening, allowing them to articulate their limiting beliefs without interruption. Once the pattern was clear, I introduced the concept of cognitive restructuring.
We worked on identifying the specific negative thoughts and challenging their validity. Were they based on facts or assumptions? What evidence supported or contradicted them? I encouraged them to replace these negative thoughts with more realistic and positive affirmations. For example, instead of "I'm not good enough," we reframed it to "I have unique skills and experiences that bring value." Here's what you need to know: we practiced these affirmations daily, reinforcing the new mindset. What's more, I introduced techniques to manage the inner critic, such as mindfulness and visualization. The shift wasn't immediate, but over time, they began to recognize and challenge their negative self-talk, leading to increased confidence and a willingness to take risks. The breakthrough came when they landed a significant client, a testament to their newfound belief in their abilities.
Identify and Rewire the Core Limiter
To support clients struggling with limiting beliefs, I use a technique called identifying the "Core Limiter," which we teach at the Somatic Coaching Academy. Each of us develops limiting thought patterns as children, shaped by how our caregivers influenced and modified our behavior. For some, these Core Limiting patterns become deeply entrenched in the nervous system, evolving into predominant beliefs that impact everything they do. There are three primary Core Limiters: the belief that "I'm not safe," the belief that "I'm not worthy," and the belief that "I'm not lovable."
I help my clients identify their Core Limiter because, rather than chasing after countless limiting beliefs, we can recognize how negative thoughts stem from one core issue. This approach is incredibly beneficial for clients, as it allows them to stop endlessly chasing negative patterns and instead focus their energy on rewiring one foundational limitation.
For example, I am currently working with a client whose Core Limiter is "I'm not worthy." She experiences a lot of negative self-talk but doesn't recognize it. What she does notice is the lack of action she takes. Rather than coaching her at the level of action—actions that are ultimately driven by her Core Limiter—or trying to make her aware of thoughts she doesn't yet perceive, I guide her to see how all her feelings, thoughts, words, and actions stem from this single limiting belief. From there, we focus on rewiring her nervous system to operate from her "Core Purpose" rather than her Core Limiter. As a result, her thoughts, words, and actions naturally align with this healthier state, creating lasting and transformative change.
Shift Caregiver Guilt to Responsible Decision-Making
A woman in her early 50s sat across from me, depleted and defeated. She felt that she was shortchanging her aging mother because she couldn't be there 24/7. Every missed doctor's appointment, every frustrating moment fed the narrative that she wasn't "good enough." This is a common internal monologue for caregivers, but it's also dangerous--it produces burnout, bitterness, and isolation.
I asked her whether she would shame a close friend the same way that she was shaming herself. Her automatic "no" was a breakthrough. She had been raised by a mother who flaunted doing everything herself, so asking for assistance meant failure to her. But caregiving is not doing it all--it's about ensuring that the best possible care is given.
Together, we rewrote her thinking. Rather than "I am failing," she started to say to herself, "I am making responsible decisions about my mother's health." She began with tiny shifts--hiring a caregiver for an hour or two a week, giving herself a break. In weeks, she felt lighter, more present, and, most of all, more connected with her mother.
Caregivers need to break up with the idea that self-sacrifice is love. When they release guilt and change their thinking, they arrive as more compassionate daughters, sons, and family members.
Explore Root Causes and Prioritize Self-Care
Everyone has their belief system. It can stem from childhood or changes in opinions over time over the course of life. I like to ask the client what happened in their life for them to have the thought pattern they have. Once shared, I ask them what they do when the negative thoughts come up? Once I get that feedback, I help them dig deep into how they see themselves with the negativity gone away. This causes them to really think and dig deep into their emotions and reasoning. I like to find out what the client likes to do to calm down. I share ideas like walking, meditation, soothing music, sounds of the ocean, etc. I like to challenge my clients to find time each day to stay off the phone, away from negative people so they can dial into themselves and allow their minds to recharge. No one should be on 24/7. I ask my clients to schedule their downtime each day and see how they feel in a few weeks. Most clients say this helps them a lot and the negative thoughts are going away and staying away. Self-care is important. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. Taking care of self is not selfish, it's the right thing to do!
